Harry Potter and the Mole Men
by Bad fairy
Summary: Insanity involving the Phantom of the Opera, an enlarged frog, a dress up Yule Ball and Sammy's mums friends dog called Tiny. RR!


Disclaimer: Right here goes; I don't own Harry Potter, The Phantom of the Opera, some phrases from Austin Powers and a slight twisted sliver of a scene from West Side Story (you probably wont be able to spot it.) R/R please, and remember kids, this story is for fun, don't review if you are going to scream abuse.

WARNING: Contains mild sexual references, greatly taking the ps out of many, many stories, and taking the ps out of several social groups. Only for fun kids, don't take anything to heart, you know I would die of any of you were offended...sniff sniff OH I LOVE YOU GUYS! Riiiight. Well, R/R!

Harry Potter and the Mole men.

"Excuse me...SHUT UP!" The great hall fell silent at Dumbledore's kind request, and the food slowly disappeared, to screams of despair from Ron, and a recently enlarged frog that had been tucking into some jam tarts.

"Right. I'd just like to announce that we shall be having a Strip Yule- sorry?" McGonagall whispered ferociously into his ear, and he coughed.

"Ah...what I _meant _to say was..." more whispering, "a Dress Up Yule Ball. No stripping." He sighed, and put a hand over his brow for a moment. McGonagall handed him a lemon drop to cheer him up, and immediately regretted it.

"_By _the way, did I tell you all. When I was young we had a Strip Yule Ball...my, my, my, Augusta Longbottom in a leather thong..." At this point, McGonagall dragged him down, and threw a horrified looking Neville a calming draught. She then stood up, and continued where Dumbledore had left off before the lemon drop.

"Right. It is a masquerade Yule ball, and you are all to bring a partner. No questions asked. Go to bed y'all." With the rather rough dismissal, Hermione and Harry led a sobbing Ron to the Gryffindor Common room.

"There will be a disaster..." Trelawny loomed down on them as they passed a picture of two nuns repeatedly jumping on a little fat friar. Hermione screamed as the cooking-sherry cloud engulfed them. Harry yelled 'NOOOOOOOO!' and rugby tackled the intoxicated woman. She screeched madly and hit him over the head with the Death tarot card. Harry leapt off of her, and grabbed Hermione, slinging her over his shoulder. Catching the crying Ron around the waist, he ran desperately, yelling 'No' some more. More sherry clouds erupted from behind him, and he leapt forward dramatically, shaking his head and screaming.

After a few more incidents concerning the jam tart deprived, enlarged frog and a small weasel called Sam, they reached the common room, and entered to bursts of cheers. The bloody alcoholic Gryffindors were having _another _party, for god knows what this time.

Half an hour later, when Harry could be finally persuaded to let go of the sobbing Ron and drop Hermione, Colin Creevey - an evil look in his eye - began handing out canary creams disguised as mice. At once, everyone in the common room burst into yellow feathers, and began chirping. Dean Thomas and Seamus twitted like lovebirds and flew out of the window into the sunset. They eventually moulted and became human two miles up from a town called Lilypudly, and landed on a poor unfortunate OAP called Margaret.

"Snape... I've been wondering..." McGonagall trailed off, and blushed. Snape looked at her with puppy-dog eyes.

"Yes Minerva? Yes!" She paused hesitantly, and fiddled with the edge of her green-knit cardie.

"Its just-" She broke off and giggled, and five young women appeared from only-god-knows-where behind her. "We were wondering if you'd have a seven-some with us...'giggle'"

"Yeeeah!" The entirety of Girls Aloud and the two aged Professors made love to the Sound Of The Underground.

"But, I don't know what to wear..." The Boy Who Blushed turned a fine shade of maroon, and Hermione tutted, forcing a tuxedo on him.

"You're going as the Phantom of the Opera dum dum." As soon as the persistent mother hen had glued a half-face masquerade mask onto the Boy's face, there was a 'BOOM' a flash of light, and...someone appeared...

"In sleep I sang to you, in dreams I caaaaaame. My voice which caaaaallls to youuuu, and speaks you naaaaame. And do you dreeeeeam again? For now you fiiiiiiiind...THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE! Inside your miiiiiind!" Harry and Hermione stopped and stared at the newcomer, who was belting out a song with his hand on his chest. He stopped and glared at Harry, who was dressed exactly the same as him. The Phantom drew his sword and ran at the pair yelling as he went.

"How dare you imitate me?" He screeched. Hermione squeaked and dived behind Harry, who kicked into Hero Mode and ran at the oncoming psycho. He yelled 'NOOOOOOOO' and brandished the weapon. The Phantom (or Erik) stopped abruptly and screamed like a girl. There was a small 'poof' and he disappeared. He reappeared sometime later in the dungeons, where he was met by an enlarged frog and Sam the Weasel. They had ganged together and were currently leaning against a wall, snapping their paws and webbed fingers together. There was marijuana bongs clamped tightly between their lips and they were wearing dark shades to try to cover the fact that they were both completely stoned. It didn't. Erik gasped when he saw them and whispered 'no'. He stepped backwards and tripped over a small Phan called Sammy, who was actually quite old for her petite size. She hugged him and squeezed him and introduced him to her mums friends dog called Tiny. They got along very well, and soon defeated the enlarged frog and Sam. They got married and had three kids, calling one of them Fop, one of them Julian and one of them Sam in memory of the great Weasel.

In a hole in the side of a riverbank, a mother weasel called Juliet was having supper with her twelve children, when a postman threw in a bundle of mail. Sadly it hit five of the children and crushed four, killing them instantly. The fifth tragically died in hospital after suffering extensive internal damage. She rifled through the letters, throwing them away one by one as she found out they were bills.

"Bill...bill...bill...bill...ooh! Whats this?" She had come to a letter sealed by a blob of red wax with a skull stamped into it. She threw the rest of the letters away, squashing a further three of her children. The walls were by now decorated in a tasteful red. Opening it, it read:

_Dear Mrs Sam the Weasel,_

_I have killed your husband. He died in a glorious battle involving myself, (The Phantom of the Opera, my wife (Sammy), her mums friends dog called tiny and an enlarged frog. He died bravely and I have named one of my children after him. Good luck being a single mother of four living children and eight dead ones. I would sue the post man for his carelessness. Good Bye._

_Lots of love and kisses,_

_The Phantom of the Opera._

Upon finishing the letter, Juliet sobbed and clutched her heart. She threw the letter behind her back, crushing three of the four remaining kids, and ran outside.

"DAMN YOU PHANTOM! DAMN YOU!" She shook her fist at the sky and screamed. Then she realised that there was no ground to stand on outside the hole and promptly fell into the river. Not wearing her lifejacket, she was swept down the river. She survived the water-fall only to be eaten by frickin sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their frickin heads. Her remaining child saw her fate and became Sam Samsson the Conqueror. A few years later he destroyed all of the Phantom and Sammy's children and took over the opera house in France. He turned it into an evil lair and plotted all his plans for world domination there.

Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Hermione was receiving extensive psychological treatment for the trauma of having a sword brandished at her and Harry and Ron were walking down the corridor towards the Yule Ball. Ron was dressed as he normally was, apart from a rag with two holes in around his head. He was going as a tramp. Just as Harry was explaining to Ron (very slowly so he didn't get confused) how he scared away the Phantom of the Opera, they were ambushed by several dozen Slytherins, all dressed as superheroes (for the masks.). One dressed as Superman strode out on front of Harry and growled at him, his latex pecs standing out a mile.

"Now is the time for me to kill you Harry Potter, for throwing my father in Azkaban!" Harry was devastated. He had always looked up to Clark Kent as a father figure, now the reporters alter ego was threatening him with death. There was only one option left. He rummaged through the many pockets in his coat to find his piece of Kryptonite. He distracted Superman (who was really Draco Malfoy in a rubber six pack and some red pants over blue tights) with his amazing wit.

"Your mums a horse Superman." Superman/Draco Malfoy gasped in anger and brandished his wand. Unfortunately he had been nearby Gred and Forge Weasley lately and had mistaken his wand for one of their joke ones. A rubber salmon flopped pathetically in front of Harry. Ron drooled and dived for it, his mind set on one track; foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood. Superman/Draco Malfoy continued with his tirade of verbal abuse nevertheless, to a background of Slytherins cheering on their Prince.

"How dare you Potter!" Harry located the small pebble.

"Yeah, as Krypton blew up, I heard her shout 'NEEEIIIIGGGGhhhh'!"

"You wha-" He was cut off as Harry lobbed the rock at him. Being not the real Superman, it wouldn't weaken him to the point where Harry could knock him out with a feather, but it was a lucky shot and hit him between the eyes. Upon seeing their captains demise, the Slytherin crew let out a unanimous 'NOOOOOOOO...!' and, deciding that what Draco did was best, fainted to be like him. As Harry and Ron - the latter of the pair relentlessly gnawing on a rubber salmon - continued bravely on towards the Yule Ball, Colin Creevey with an evil glint in his eye, force fed the Slytherins canary creams and then cooked several of them into pies. The people at the Yule Ball never did discover what was in those gorgeous meat tarts...

"OH MY GOD HARRY YOU MADE IT!" As soon as Harry walked into the ball, Ron went off into a corner to chew on his salmon and Harry was off signing autographs, kissing babies and leaving messages on peoples phones. Girls Aloud struck up a tune, and everyone went dancing. The strange thing was that nobody noticed the two new members of the band, one in black leather lingerie and fishnets and the other Professor McGonagall. They continued to play and several strange figure's crept in, all in tall black hoods and skull masks. One of the figures had way creepy eyes, and a pale face. He was immediately taken for the caring type, and a fat fairy zoomed to him. The rest of them pulled a string, and the sign that said Hogwarts Yule Ball turned fell down, and revealed a black and red sign, that said Death Eater Orgy. There was screams as everyone realised that they were wearing some sort of lingerie or leather straps and nothing else. The underage wizards and witches were kicked out - along with Ron, having the IQ of -156 and therefore not recognised as human - and everyone else present found themselves quite enjoying...themselves...cough. Even Tiny, Sammy's mums friends dog joined in...

"And, and, and, _hesaidwewerebetteroffasfriends_!" Lord Voldemort patted the overemotional fat fairy called Dora on the back and made small hushing noises. All the while inside he was chanting; mustNOTkillfairymustNOTkillfairymustNOTkillfairy.

"I mean, its not as if I _try _to be friendly with my lovers!" Dora wailed, blowing her nose noisily on a Kleenex super Man sized tissue. Voldemort took a fly swatter out from his pocket and hid it stealthily behind the wailing pixie.

"But they ALWAYS ditch me!" He raised it, then his other personality called Wendy made him lower it. Wendy reminded him of the anger management lessons he had been taking. Count to ten. One...Two...Three...what came next? In the confusion that surrounded numbers, Wendy forgot about the fly swatter, and Voldemort let Dora have it over the head. She let out a squeal as she was smushed, and Voldemort jumped up and down on the tragic remains of the once great lover. Wendy, realising what was wrong, looked over, and died of shock at what she saw. With no inner psychologist to help and guide him through tough areas, Voldemort descended into madness, and spent the rest of his days rocking gently in the corner of a small room with a small, high set window, chanting; The mole men are coming. The mole men are coming.

Indeed, two years later the mole men DID come and took over the entire known universe, with the aid of Sam Samsson son of Sam the Weasel, aka Sam the Conqueror, and Tiny, Sammy's mums friends dog, who had defected to the other side without Sammy's prior knowledge and consent. The mole men created a world where the individuals such as George Bush and Tony Blair were executed for being too individual. It was called the Mole Age, and all chavs were sent to a penal colony in southern Australia. The mole men became widely feared, and wherever they visited, they left behind a dead mole.

The mole men reigned over the throne of the Universe for two long and strenuous years, in which time the race of chavs died out, much to the joy of old people and the horror of drug dealers, who found themselves deeply in debt and had both their legs broken as a result. After the two years, the mole men were defeated by a now unknown young man called Harry Potter, who in turn took two years at ruling and was overthrown by a giant doughnut called Marley, who recruited all the Death Eaters, go-go dancers, hippies and Phan's for one great orgy. That two years has a name, but if I were to mention it on this site I would be kicked off. Marley lived a long and happy life and his son, Bob the giant doughnut ruled after him, creating the Ching Chong Dynasty. And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

This is how my mind works. Twahahahaaaaaa. Don't you just love Draco/Harry? I do. Great innit? And love you Sammy. Sammy is mentioned in the story a few times for her constant none stop infatuation with POTO. Check out her stories. R/R PLEEEAASSSSEEE! Well, if you're this far, then you've probably R'd already, so... R PLEASE! Remember kids, peace, love, and dope. Or rather, war, hate and marijuana...hehe... 


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